Snow White and the Seven Oompa Loompas
by SBnaolweyx
Summary: This is a story that my partner in crime, Snowy, and I are writing. It's just a funny little story about how WE think the movie Snow White REALLY went. Here's our version. ) Enjoy, and review.
1. Default Chapter

Author's note: Balex will be writing this chapter of Snow Yellow and the Seven Oompa Loompas. =) So fear me. Snowy will be writing the next chapter. X3 It'll go on like that until we're finished. ^_^ Have fun and try not to spit up your lung laughing.. I've had enough of those. O_o;

Disclaimer: I don't own Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but I -do- own my story.. And the plot.. So there. =P

Chapter 1

It was a sunny day in wherever it was that had a well and a castle. Okay, it was really sunny, so sunny that bugs started melting and becoming one with the ground, but that's not our story. Our story begins with Snow Yellow. She is a young demented girl, with greasy black hair and bulgy cow eyes. She blinked funny…. Anyhow, she was busy, singing badly to herself when all of a sudden the evil wicked cannibalistic step mother of the western hemisphere of the northern hemisphere ugly-as-hell-queen threw a stick from her balcony at Snow Yellow.

Evil Queen: SNORT! YOU'RE UGLY! AHAHAHA OFMG LOLZ! o@

Snow Yellow: =( I'm prettier than you.. DON'T LIE TO ME!

(Snow Yellow blinked funny and then began to sob and run around in circles for a long amount of time.. Then, the evil queen walked back into her room and looked into her Evil Mirror)  
  
Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the best looking, most prettiest, best in show looking one of all?  
  
Evil Mirror: =( You scare me.. Why do you do that rhyme every time!? God, it's so annoying. STOP TALKING TO ME!

Evil Queen: TELL ME OR AH EAT CHOO!  
  
Evil Mirror: Fiiiine. If you MUST know, Snow Yellow is best in show. See, you're not the only one who can rhyme.

(The Evil Queen's left eye twitched as she snorted something fierce.)  
  
Evil Queen: OMFGOMFOMFOMGOMFOMGOMFOMG! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE LYK OMFG I'M DA BEST LOOKIN' ONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD! =O

Evil Mirror: Not really…You're very scary.. Little children cry when they see you coming.

Evil Queen: Shut up, you evil mirror, you.

Evil Mirror: Fine.. I know when I'm not wanted.   
  
(The Evil Mirror sobs and shuts up, the face inside leaving)

Evil Queen: That's it. I'm gonna open a can of cannibalistic whoop on her skimpy little pig heart. *Snort* BOB! BOOOB! C'MERE! I NEED YOU TO KILL SNOW YELLOW SO I CAN EAT HER!  


(Suddenly, a jack rabbit with a top hat hobbles in on a cane. This was Bob.)  
  
Evil Queen: God.. Did you know that when you put more than one 'o' in your name it looks li-

Bob: Whossitwhatsembob? 8D

Evil Queen: I want you to kill Snow Yellow, you little munchkin. D:  
  
Bob: *GAASP!* ….OKAY!

Evil Queen: Good little demented jack rabbit.

Bob: YEEEEE!  
  
(Bob jumps out the balcony and viciously roars at Snow Yellow, who is staring at the sky)

Snow Yellow: *Blinks oddly* OMFOMSFDOMDSF IT'S A RABID JACK RABBIT!!1111ONEONEONEONEEELVEN!!111 RUUUN!  
  
(Snow Yellow screams like a little boy and runs off into the forest..ish…place.)  
  
Bob: THERE'S NO ESCAPING ME YEH COW-EYED MONKEY FACE! *CHASE!*

Snow Yellow: OMFG JACK RABBITS ARE EVIL! D:

Bob: Aren't they, though?! Yeessss.. @_@

(Suddenly, Little Red Ridding hood appears out of no where and attacks Bob)  
  
Bob: ARGHOMFGMYSPLEEEN!  
  
(Little Red Ridding hood viciously attacks Bob, foaming at the mouth.)

Little Red Ridding Hood: BIIRDDSSSSS! O_O *Hiss* SNOW YELLOW YELLOW SNOOW AHAHAHHAFDJLASDF OMG!  
  
Snow Yellow: o_o

Little Red Riding Hood: GIMME SOME DRUGS GRAMMA!

(Little Red Riding Hood runs off into the distance, leaving the mangled body of what used to be the retarded jack rabbit..)  
  
Snow Yellow: Ewww.. *Pokes the remains with a stick* I need a Hyena Shiek Vaccum. D:

(Suddenly Shiek appears, devouring the remains of the jack rabbit, and cart-wheels herself out of the forest, laughing like a lunatic)  
  
Snow Yellow: That was interesting. =o But then, what ISN'T?

Author (Balex): Shut up and get on with the story, yeh git. D:  
  
Snow Yellow: OMFG! THE SKY! IT SPEEEAAKS!  
  
Author (Balex): 'S right.

(Snow Yellow screams bloody murder and runs like a mad cow on crack. That's right, a mad cow on crack. DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?! No, I didn't THINK so.)

(Cut to mysterious oompa loompas, wandering about the forest, singing perverted songs.)  
  
Slutty: I'm slutty. :D *Shows off some leg*

  
Boozy: *Hiccup* I count…14..oompa loompas..today.. *Hiccup*

Sweary: Shut the fuck up you fucker fucking fuck fuck. D: Shit. Damn.

Dopey: *Glazed-look* I like..milk cartons.. @_@

Smelly: No one loves me. =(

Jesus: Remember children, god loves you. =)

Satan: Don't listen to him! HE'S HIGH ON PERMANENT MARKER! RUN CHILDREN! RUN BEFORE HE EATS YOO!  


(In reality, there are no children.. they are all just high off some un-known substance.. do we even really WANT to know? Anyway, we'll go back to Snow Yellow, I don't want to catch their diseases.. D: )

Snow Yellow: I think..I'm lost. OH! I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYYEE SOMETHING ORANGE, GREEN, AND WHITE! *Points and runs toward the orange, green, and white*  
  
Slutty: I smell something.. something.. yellow… SNOW!

Smelly: Don't make fun of me, bitch! D:  
  
Slutty: You know you want me. =)

Boozy: *Hiccups and laughs* I seeeeee two.. Girly girls.. *Snort* They look like cow eyes.

Snow Yellow: I resent that, you meany-poo-poo-head.

Satan: IT'S YELLOW SNOW! *Point*  
  
Jesus: God doesn't like it when you point. =(  
Satan: Shut UP.

Smelly: HASHASHAHAH I'M NOT THE ONE WHO SMELLS THIS TIME!  
  
The rest of the 6 oompa loompas: You always smell. D:  
  
Smelly: u_u

Author (Balex): Okey dokey. I'm done for this chapter. D: I know it kinda stopped weird, but my brain stopped. So I'm gonna pass it on to Snowy now. Seeee ya later you munchkins. =D

  


  


  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. In Which Snow Yellow is Forced to Sleep ...

Disclaimer: It ain't mine... *sniffle*  
  
Notes: I fear this chapter won't be as... *cough* amusing... as the last. I ishn't a funny person. U_u;;  
  
(The Seven Oompa Loompas blinked in confusion as Snow Yellow entered their little hut. From the hut came strange noises... snorts, sloshing noises, and the breaking of a plate.)  
  
Sweary: Oh my fucking God! That fucking bitchy broke my fucking plate, I bet!  
  
Jesus: Take not the Lord's name in vain...  
  
(Nervously, the Oompa Loompas entered their home, only to find that in the less than two minutes Snow Yellow had been their, she had eaten all of the food, sat in all the chairs, messed up the sheets on all the beds, and cracked someone's cup.)  
  
Snow Yellow: *blinking in that funny way in which she blinks* Hey... um... you guys have no food.  
  
Sweary: Because you fuckin-!  
  
Jesus: *holding his cracked cup sadly* Cup... the Lord must have needed you. We cannot understand His ways.  
  
Boozy: *hic* 'ey... she broked both'a yer cupses...  
  
Snow Yellow: Do you guys really live in this place? It's tiny. You're tiny.  
  
Smelly: Well, you smell like yellow snow.  
  
Other six Oompa Loompas: *coughcough*hypocrite*coughcough*  
  
Smelly: u_u  
  
Snow Yellow: Are you guys the whimsical gold miners who live in the little hut in the forest?  
  
Dopey: @__@  
  
(Now, as you know, no one is actually a gold miner. It's a stupid profession and it's dangerous and it gets very boring. The Oompla Loompas held perfectly sensible jobs. Slutty was a stripper at a club. Boozy was a barkeep at said club. Dopey was a security guard at afore-mentioned club. Sweary was a telemarketer. Jesus was a taxi driver. Satan was a middle school math teacher. And Smelly was that kid who sat next to you in last- period social studies class.)  
  
Slutty: *pulls a dollar bill from between her breasts* You want some of this?  
  
Snow Yellow: Um... no thanks. I'd like to be a virgin when the prince finds me d-  
  
Smelly: Shhhhhh! You're going to give the ending of the story away!  
  
Snow Yellow: Oh, right. *looks around* Hey, this place is all messy. I don't want to stay here. I should have just let that drugged-up girl in the red cape kill me... this place smells.  
  
Smelly: You guys hurt my feelings. u_u  
  
Dopey: Well... if you cleaned this place up... it'd be... clean. @_@  
  
Satan: Yeah! How about you clean our house and make us food and we'll let you sleep over there! *points* In that corner. Next to Smelly.  
  
Snow Yellow: And what am I getting out of this deal?  
  
Jesus: Helping others cleanses your soul.  
  
Snow Yellow: Hot damn! I'm in!  
  
Slutty: Right. So we'll go to sleep *makes suggestive eyebrow gestures at Satan, who winks* and then we'll leave for work and you can spend all tomorrow cleaning the house. And don't touch the bondage equipment under my bed. *glares*  
  
Snow Yellow: *blinks* Uh... okay.  
  
(So, the Oompa Loompas went to sleep. Jesus forced everyone to pray, then lectured Slutty and Satan on the sins of premarital sex. Then, after waking everyone from the coma's his prayer and lecture induced, they all went to sleep. Well, except Snow Yellow. She was kept away from the stench coming from Smelly's bed and from the obscene noises coming from Satan's. Not soon enough for Snow Yellow, morning came.)  
  
Sweary: Everyone get the fuck up! We have to fucking go to work, you lazy ass-holes!  
  
Jesus: God doesn't like it when you swear.  
  
Satan: Shut UP!  
  
Slutty: Well, Snow Yellow. We have to go off to work so we can pay to feed all of us. Oh, and you. And maybe afford some cosmetic surgery for those freaky eyes of yours. *shudders* Snow Yellow: *as they all head for the door* Well, okay. Bye.  
  
Smelly: *as they all go out* Bye.  
  
Snow Yellow: Wait! Aren't you supposed to tell me not to let anyone in or something?  
  
Satan: No. We don't really give a damn what happens to you.  
  
(And so the Oompa Loompas left. Meanwhile, back in the palace...)  
  
Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most absolutely gorgeous, sexy, and lust-inspiring woman of them all?  
  
Mirror: Ew. You're sick.  
  
Evil Queen:...--. Just answer the question.  
  
Mirror: You. Noot! Snow Yellow. Heh.  
  
Evil Queen: *whines* You're supposed to rhyyyyme!  
  
Mirror: Don't wanna.  
  
Evil Queen: Hmph. Fine. *clears throat* NooooooooooOOOOooo! I'M supposed to be the sexiest! I thought Snow Yellow DIED! I have to kiiiiiill her!!!! *foams*  
  
Mirror:... you have had your rabies shots, right?  
  
(Back in the Oompa Loompas' cottage, Snow Yellow shoved some dirt and mess into the deepest corners of cupboards and under rugs, where no one would see it. Unless they looked real hard. Or had a special dust-detector. Or something. So anyway, she was cleaning when she heard someone knock on the door.)  
  
Snow Yellow: Whoo hoo! Maybe it's a door-to-door salesman! *runs to door and flings it open* Aww... it's only an old lady.  
  
Old Lady: You wanna buy an apple? _ _  
  
Snow Yellow: Um... not really.  
  
Old Lady: You wanna buy an apple. If not, I am forseeing an accident in the near future... capiche? Snow Yellow: o_o... Gimme the apple.  
  
(So, Snow Yellow snatched the apple from the Old Lady/Mafia Man and bit into it. And died. This, children, is why we should never give in to threats and take apples from creepy Mafia Men.)  
  
Old Lady: Whoo hoo! She's dead! I'M the sexiest now! *skips back to the palace, since she was actually the Evil Queen in disguise. But I'm sure you all guessed that.*  
  
(So Snow Yellow lay dead on the floor for a while. When evening came and the Oompa Loompas returned from the club/school/taxi cab HQ/ telemarketer- land and found Snow Yellow dead on their floor, they were deeply shocked.)  
  
Smelly: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww! Ew! Ew! THERE'S A DEAD PERSON ON THE FLOOR! I'm not toouuuuching iiiiit!  
  
Sweary: Shit. We are so fucking gonna get blamed for this shit.  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Next Chapter: Balex returns again... 


	3. In Which A Cheese Sandwich is eaten

Noteshish: Balex is baaackk. :D

Disclaimer: When 3+7 equals 18 I will own snow white. =)

Chapter 3

Satan: No, Sweary! We -won't- be blamed if we burry her body…or eat it. You know, whichever comes first. D:

Jesus: Thou shalt not kill. The lord will smite thy who has done this evil deed. D:

Dopey: Jack Rabbitsss.. @_@

Boozy: *Hiccup* I say we err….we get some o' dem animals from the forest.. Or something. *Hiccup*

Smelly: D: SOMEONE GET IT OFF OUR FLOOR! GETITOFFGETITOFF! _

Slutty: I say you all buzz off while Satan and I go do.. *coughTHINGScough*

Jesus: =( HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! *Throws holy water at Slutty and Satan* PREMERITAL SEX IS BAD FOR YOU! BAAD!

Satan: I'M MEEEELTING! I'M MEEEEEEEEELTING! *Hiss*

Slutty: No..you're not.. O_o;

Sweary: Fuck shit damny damn damn. We're all going to get fuckin' hanged or some shit like that. D: I DIDN'T FUCKING KILL HER DAMNIT! *Spasm*

Smelly: D: I hate you all.

Dopey: *Makes out with a milk carton*

Boozy: *Hiccup*

(There's a long period of awkward silence, when all of a sudden a large dragon comes out of the forest, foaming at the mouth, and rabidly barking at the seven oompa loompas)

Dragon: LMFAOSMFOMG I'M GOING TO EAT YOU LIKE I DID LITTLE RED RIDDING HOOD WHICH PROBABLY WASN'T A VERY GOOD IDEA BECAUSE SHE HAD RAABIEEES!! DD::@_@_@ _FD"d

Satan: Crap. D:

Jesus: O_O *Throws a bucket of holy water on the dragon*

Satan: *Smacks Jesus* THAT'S NOT GOING TO DEFEAT A DRAGON, MORON!  


Jesus: WE'LL ATLEAST I'M TRYING! *Fwacks back*  
  
(Satan and Jesus get into a big girly fight consisting of insults and lots of slapping.)

Slutty: Cat fight. D:

Dopey: GRILLED CHEEESE SAMMICH! WE NEED YOOOU!  
  
Smelly: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME u_u!

(Suddenly a grilled cheese sandwich comes out of no where, and attacks the dragon, eating it hole)  
  
Grilled Cheese: *Burp*  
  
Boozy: *Hiccup*

Grilled Cheese: Now that I have saved you I will grant you all three wi-  
  
(Smelly picked up Super Cheese and ate him!)  
  
Smelly: @_@  
  
Satan: YOU IDIOT! YOU ATE THE SANDWICH! 

Jesus: God will smite thee. o

Sweary: Shit! You fucking moron you killed the damn cheese sandwhich! D:

Smelly: DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY DISABILITIES! *Sob*

Slutty: *Standing off to the side, staring into space.*  
  
Space: *Stares into Slutty* …Ewww. MY BRAIN HAS BEEN SOILED! *Poofs*

Slutty: =)

Dopey: *Getting married to his milk carton* @_@

Satan: Am I the only sane one here?  
  
Jesus: God is sane.

Satan: Will you shut UP?!  
  
Jesus: God will smite you. =(  
  
Satan: WHEN!? HMM!?! DO YOU WANT TO FINISH WHAT WE STARTED BEFORE!?  
  
Jesus: Fighting is bad.

Satan: *Spasms and attacks Jesus. A fight begins.*

(Meanwhile..)  
  
Evil Queen: That stupid dragon shouldn't have eaten that idiot Little Red Riding Hood. D: My plan was going to work so PERFECTLY.. *Whines*

Evil Mirror: STOP WHINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, IDIOT!

Evil Queen: D-Don't yell at me.. *Begins crying*

Evil Mirror: o I hate you..

Evil Queen: I know. =) Well..anyway..something MUST be done about this Snow Yellow. -I- must be the best in show! D:

Evil Mirror: *Eye roll* Dumb ass.

Evil Queen: *Cackles maniacally*

(Back to our really demented and perverted heros.. If they ARE heros at ALL.)

Satan: Got any 6's?

Jesus: Go fish.

Author of Doom (Balex): WTF!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? GET BACK TO THE SCRIPT OR ELSE I'LL COME AND GET YOU! O_O;

Satan: O_O; *Coughs and throws the cards into a conveniently placed lake*

Jesus: =( I was winning…

Author of Doom (Balex): Yeah well, that's too bad. D:

Jesus: u_u

Smelly: Let's put Snow Yellow into a glass coffin..thing..so she doesn't SMELL LIKE DEATH and stink up the house.

Satan: You've already done that..

Smelly: WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME?! ;_;

Satan: Because it's..um..fun?

Smelly: Oh..Okay. =D I'm not touching it though, you have to put it into the coffin.

Satan: =) With pleasure. *Dumps the body into a glass coffin and closes the lid* There we go.

Slutty: Now we just have to wait for the prince to co-  
  
Satan: STOP TRYING TO GIVE AWAY THE STORY!!

Slutty: Well SOOORRY. *Glare*

Boozy: Duuhhhr… *Runs into the glass coffin repeatedly* @_@

Dopey: *Clings to Milk Carton*  
  
Sweary: I haven't fucking talked in a fucking long time so hot damn, I think I'll fucking talk! Shit! =D

Satan: *Groan* Shut UP..ALL OF YOU!

Jesus: God doesn't like you..he told me so. _

Satan: Tell god I say "Screw. You."

Jesus: O_O!  
  
Satan: *Cackle*

Author of Doom (Balex): Okey dokey. I'm done. =D *Passes the hot potato of story to Snowy*


End file.
